I keep head butting with ex over everyday life

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It's a long post and bit all over the place, question about shared custody and child support. I am interested in knowing how mums get through this situation?
I have separated over a year ago. Initially I had child support set to private collect. Ex was paying private school fees and never paid me directly any money. After a year of separation when I became eligible to file for divorce, my ex informed me that he does not want to pay fees, no word about paying child support. So I have changed it to child support collect. I am guessing they will have to organize through employer as it has been significant time and I have not heard anything back yet. He thinks that I use that money for myself, I have kids for about 75% time. So instead of paying me money he wants to have children with him for 75% of time. During this year of separation, he has missed every opportunity to attend school events. In march when lockdown started and schools closed he wanted to change it to 50-50%. But could manage them and soon it came back to 75-25%. Because kids are with me most of the time, I decide which extra curricular activities they do. But because he has to pay for it now he wants to become 'Decision maker' whether it is in best interest of children. If I enrol kids in some activity event program which is completely in my time, do I need to let him know? Like I enrolled my child in swimming lessons on days children are with me without telling Dad, he complains about it. Am I responsible to keep track of minute to minute movement and 'report' to him because he is parent and has 'right to know?' Sometimes during transitions kids would wear clothes that had bought when going to Dad's house. He doesn't even return clothes. After much haggling, he sent old clothes and kept good ones. I now have stickers on all the clothes and make sure kids wear clothes that Dad had bought for them on transition days.
Sometimes I feel separation has failed because he still keeps sending texts emails over trivial things.
So my question is about shared custody and child support. I had thought separation will ease the constant bickering. The term shared custody is very lose and I understand the court can not make everyday life any easier. How does one deal with a difficult ex? When I start getting child support am I liable to answer his questions where I spent the money?
I do keep track of my spending as I'm on a very tight budget, but I don't want to be questioned over every penny I get from him.
PS: Do not tell me how good public schools are and cheaper, I am well aware of it and changing school is not the right option for me now. I can not get sole custody, I have consulted the lawyer. I can get my lawyer to do all communication with his lawyer but it will be too expensive. So no option but to keep head butting with ex over everyday life.

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